Jealousy

Can “Jealousy” be a good thing?

“Yes” and “No.”

“Yes,” because jealousy can show you care and place value in another person, or thing. In this regard, many people are relieved when a partner shows jealousy, or desires some degree of ownership over them, because it shows a desire to keep that person in one’s life.

And “No,” because “jealousy” is a purely selfish response and “selfishness” is not a good thing. There are better ways to show you care and place value in something.

“Jealousy,” mixed with “fear” and “greed” are primary culprits in the epidemic of monogamous marriages and relationships, which have caused a pandemic failure in marriages (more than two out of three monogamous marriages fail in the U.S.).

Instead of lashing out with jealous reactions, which tend to be hurtful, self-serving and cruel and tend to leave the abuser feeling insecure, anxious and upset, why not try positive reinforcement?

Tell the person how much you love them and how much they mean to you. Show them with your actions. Do nice things for them. Tell them, if you left me, I would be crushed, but I love you so much that I want whatever makes you happy and if leaving me is what will make you happiest, then I support you and love you unconditionally. This is true love. The other side of love, the jealousy: “I don’t trust you. Don’t you cheat on me! You can’t love anyone else!” This is just a twisted insecurity-inspired mantra. It’s hurtful and selfish and it doesn’t make relationships stronger. You can’t force someone to love you or cherish you more by making demands. They must be inspired to choose to do this because you treat them well, make them happy and allow them the type of life that they would like. You can start by giving them some freedom. 

Here are 15 Ways to Disarm Your Jealousy

15. If it’s meant to be, it will be

Just keep in mind that if your partner is right for you, things will work out. If not, they obviously weren’t the right partner for you, because you’re not with them. It was never going to work out, because it didn’t. At that point, it’s onward and upward to better things. Something wonderful is waiting in your future and if it works out, it was meant to be.

14. Masturbate

This is one of the best ways to reduce stress. This also helps you realize that in extreme cases, being alone isn’t all that bad and sometimes we’re better off alone, than with the wrong partner.

13. Have great sex

One of the best ways to reduce jealousy is to have some really wonderful sex. This will reduce your stress, increase your self-confidence and enhance your feelings of closeness.

12. Don’t withhold

Tick, tick, tick, tick. Many people withhold negative feelings like anxiety, paranoia, anger, frustration, etc. until they aren’t who they used to be. They become a lumbering shadow of themselves, just waiting to explode and risk ruining everything in one fell swoop. Get all that negativity out of your system. Don’t take it out on your partner. Do it yourself. Exercise, have great sex, masturbate, talk things out sensibly. If you wait and let it build, you’re just a time bomb, with a limited shelf-life.

11. Release stress

Whatever helps you release stress, do it. Get some exercise. Get some sleep. Drink lots of water. Punch a heavy bag, or go running, biking or swimming. Do yoga, meditation, go golfing, cook, garden, paint, listen to music, or play volleyball. Try chiropractic therapy, or acupuncture. Your head will be a lot clearer to deal with difficult situations once you get past the stress, anxiety, paranoia and depression. You need to get your body moving to feel alive and to feel free to deal with your fears at your best.

10. Express your wants and needs

This goes hand-in-hand with knowing yourself, communicating and being honest. Once you identify the core of the problem, you need to share your thoughts and feelings with your partner. Try to explain how you envision the ideal situation, what your wants and needs are and what you are and are not willing to compromise on. If you don’t tell them, they probably don’t know.

9. Plan to spend quality time together

A lot of jealousy just arises naturally from a lack of quality time spent between partners. Sometimes it can seem impossible to make those openings in your schedule to spend some worthwhile hours, but it’s important to have a calendar that you can look at and change and rearrange until you find a way to make that all-important time for your relationship. If you don’t want to make that time, then you’re sending a message to yourself. You don’t want the relationship.

8. Encourage your partner to have their own life

Many people are jealous of other people, lovers, friends, family, both in cases where this is deserved and cases where it is not. Other people are jealous of hobbies, jobs, or even other pets. Each person should generally have all these elements as positive aspects of their well-rounded lives. It should be expected and encouraged. Each person should spend time on themselves and their friends and their hobbies. This is necessary in most healthy relationships. Instead of struggling against it, embrace it and see how your world opens up. 

7. Have your own life

Instead of sitting at home and seething and moping and making yourself increasingly anxious and paranoid, be a bigger person. You should have better things to do with your time. You have your own life. Go spend time on your hobbies. Enjoy yourself with family and friends. You can shrink the man-eating shark of jealousy into a gold fish, if you just see that your partner is a compliment to your wonderful life, but not that life itself.

Recognize things that are beyond your control. You can’t lock your partner in a room with no phone, tie them up and make sure they’re out of sight. That’s just crazy. They’re going to go out and live their life and you can’t possible keep track of what they’re doing all the time, or watch them every second and why would you even want to? You should be too busy living and enjoying your own life.

6. Communicate

Communication is key in any relationship, especially in situations where jealousy rears its ugly head. Withholding is a cardinal sin in any relationship and the primary way to prevent it is by opening up the channels of communication. Remember, communication can be used to clear the air and increase understanding, but also to release stress, build trust and/or negotiate before a situation worsens.

5. Be Honest

This is essential for communication. Remember there are two kinds of honesty and before you can even begin to be honest with your partner, you have to be honest with yourself. Some people deny that they are jealous at all, while inside they are seething. The bomb is ticking. First, be honest with yourself if you’re feeling insecure and then be honest with your partner about what you feel and why. If you can present your honest feelings without being angry, aggressive and demanding, your partner is likely to appreciate your openness and be willing to respond in kind.

4. Trust / Faith

Some people believe in God. Some people believe in their partner. If you really want the best partner and the best relationship, you have to give up everything and take the ultimate risk. You have to give your partner your trust. Put your faith in them. They must earn the faith that has been placed in them. If not, the two of you were never meant to be.

3. Self-confidence

If you don’t feel you’re a worthwhile person, deserving of attention, respect and love, then why would your partner? You’re going to send out signals, whether consciously, or unconsciously and if those signals all say, “I’m a loser,” you’re not doing yourself a favor. If you don’t like who you are, improve yourself and that will improve your self-confidence and that will improve your relationships.

After you seek your self-improvement and know yourself well enough to understand your own value is at a premium, jealousy should seem like a much smaller problem. If you’re the type of person you should be, there will always be someone magical out there for you.
Self-confidence can also make communication, honesty and self-expression much easier.

2. Self-improvement

If you dedicate yourself to self-improvement it will build your self-confidence, which will reduce your anxiety and paranoia and help you have trust and faith in your partner. Why would they want to leave you? Look at how much time and effort you’ve spent making yourself the best you can be. You’re a real catch! If they leave you, they’re the ones who will be missing out on a good thing. Meanwhile, you have a lot to offer to someone who is better at appreciating and reciprocating.

1.    Know Yourself

So many of the main keys to disarming jealousy have to do with knowing yourself. You need to know yourself in order to understand the problem and communicate. Be honest. Avoid withholding and be self-confident. You also need to know yourself to have your own life, express your needs and wants and effectively seek your own self-improvement.

 

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